so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
