I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
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