i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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