for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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