that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
