So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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