This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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