Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
