The maid of honor just puked.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
