I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
