So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
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I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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