i just wanna soil my oats bro
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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