i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
