u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
