What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Randomize
