i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
