My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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