was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing