turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings