I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
