The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
