dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
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You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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