yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Randomize
