Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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