if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Randomize
