White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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