My Higher Power is John Stamos
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
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