Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.