my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.