could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
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Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
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Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many