I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
