Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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