So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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