I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
