I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
