never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
My balls are so social today.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
