DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
