I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
