I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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