I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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