cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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