sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
