I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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