exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
