my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
