We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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