I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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