even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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