I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
