I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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