I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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