There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
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There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
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Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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