census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
