You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
