It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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