Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
