3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
