I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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